I am prone to look back more often than ahead .
I’m not much , as a futurist and prophecy I leave up to God .
I am , pretty much , a what you see is what you get kind of guy .
I do , however , want to be more than a mere wisp of a second ,
In time and space , kind of person .
No , I have no delusions of grandeur or false pretenses , at least I hope not .
Rather I would like to be remembered as a soul
With a heart and a passion
For the good and not the evil .
As I am reluctant to state , again and again ,
I can say in words on parchment much better
Than words in the air .
You may be scratching your head , by this time ,
And pleading for me to get on with it ,
Whatever the , ‘it’ , is .
Recently , I use this word loosely ; in the past few years or so ,
My son and I have been set , ‘ free ‘,
From our hang ups , so that now we freely are
Prone to say , I love you as a common regard for one another .
The very first time , apart from being the young son and the father figure ,
Was in a parking lot in a small town outside of
The city where my wife and I live at 2 AM on a not forgotten weekday morning .
My son and I were broken down enough , within ourselves to say out loud ,
Complete with tears , that we loved each other as
Father and son with all of our humanity exposed .
We did not hold back from each other , as we exposed our hearts’ hurtful
Sorrows and accumulated regrets .
No father should ever have to speak the following words
to his child or children .
But I needed to .
” I am sorry for not being the father I should have been .
I failed in not giving you my heart love .
Instead I gave you material tokens of emptiness that I falsely used
To replace a Father’s Agape love .
Please forgive me for not being there
In all the times when you needed me as a father the most . ”
You see dear reader this has been a long , long time coming .
My wife is the bedrock and foundation of our marriage and our family .
She is the strong tower , the deep root ,
The strength that always gives more when times are tough .
From her I receive much more than I give and
I know our son knows this as well .
I have often marvelled at how fast time goes by .
No , I don’t mean every second that passes but rather how
The seasons come and go until they all fold into one .
But memories of the good and bad don’t always fold into one season that easily.
They tend to stand out of line in the memory bank ,
More than the humdrum memories do ,
That , although they come back often enough
They don’t have the staying power as the big ones do .
These are some of my own that are all connected somehow to who I am .
Being made a school patroller in Grade five and a
Lieutenant school patroller in Grade six .
Both of which I was proud of .
The stigma of academic failure in High School
Hung heavy upon my shoulders
Like a water soaked cloak .
I wore that cloak , like an act of penance for sins
Committed and uncommitted in my juvenile mind .
Later , I would earn an undergraduate degree .
Although there was no congruity between my Grade twelve years
And University years , in terms of academic achievement ,
I made no public acknowledgement of my success .
Thus I excluded myself from both Graduation ceremonies .
In the few years between the end of high school and start of university
I was unceremoniously
Fired from my job in a bank after two years of servitude ;
First as a mail clerk and later as a teller .
I remember the feeling of failure as I trudged home ;
Up the hillside sidewalks , telling my parents
That I no longer work in a bank .
Sure it was a relief but I also wore it as a mark of failure .
During this period of time I became the
Father of a child born out of wedlock , which
Always creates a maelstrom of shame , and long suffering for all involved .
Can anything good come out of two teenagers doing
Something with consequences reaching
Far beyond their own indulgences ,
No matter how much , love had a part in it all ?
Yes , I will testify , something good did come out of our union .
You see , I later experienced the life saving power of my God’s Mercy and Grace .
They became the two cornerstones of my Christian faith ;
The foundation of my first hand experience of God’s healing power and Love .
Did it happen over night ?
Of course not !
How could I go from an unwed father , hurt from our break up
Beyond all measure of rationality ,
Emotionally and physically ,
To understanding the assurance of Christ’s love for me as His child ?
Longsuffering means just that , longsuffering .
Anyone in emotional , mind altering pain knows
That scars may be healed on the outside , but inside ,
Is a whole other world that needs fixing
Before that person can stand up straight and feel freedom
From their traumatic experiences .
The walking wounded are just that ,
Still in affliction to the circumstances surrounding that affliction .
Alive but not free. Today it is called PTSD .
So time has passed a bit and I became a teacher.
I wanted to be a romantic teacher , like Mr . Chips .
I was more or less competent enough , to enjoy some highly fruitful and gratifying
Years .
However I burned out in rather dramatic fashion , 27 years later .
My wife gave her all to support me and encourage me
Throughout some rough years ,
Not wholly related to the classroom .
Yes ! I still have periodic , reocurring nightmares , all these years later ,
Thinking that when I arise from my bed I have lessons to teach
To my 30 students .
Thankfully , those nightmares occur much less in their frequency , and
Are almost put to bed permanently as they should be .
Lord knows I have paid my dues .
I have put all of that stuff in a cupboard
With a lot of other stuff shoved in there as well .
I have made sure that the door is secured enough from ever opening again .
So why am I writing all this under the words , ‘ My Life ….? ‘
Is it the sign of the times and I might not get another chance ?
Or is it because I’m in a maudlin mood and this is what the
Finger is pecking on the keyboard ?
A mixture of both maybe .
I do know that what I say on parchment is much easier for me
Than trying to formulate my words off the cuff or the tongue so to speak .
I know I already said that previously .
No, I don’t have any answer to your possible question , Why ?
Other than , ” The hour is getting late .”
A line from , ‘ All Along the Watchtower , ‘ by Bob Dylan .
There will be no more tonight .
My Life and its subsequent reflection go together quite well I think .
I am very blessed to have a family that is together and not apart .
Are we in anyway special ?
Only to one another , I reply .
My daughter , years ago , reached out her hand in searching
For her birth father and birth mother .
When it was my turn to heed her rightful call ,
My wife and son were rejoicing alongside of me
Because we actually then knew she was alive and well .
Today my family is becoming more
And more integrated with my daughter’s family ,
Which includes our only grandchild up to this point in time .
So in retirement from teaching and
A very unlikely career choice in writing parking tickets for seven years ,
In which I enjoyed immensely as did my sedate body shape ,
I have come to this state of mind that
Reflection , on my Life , whatever that means , was in order .
Thus , my soul baring days have begun this past year , or so ,
In the form of this blog .
Every writer craves attention in the form of an audience .
I am humble enough to say that I am no different .
So , at this moment , I have a few loyal longsuffering followers .
Some , even , every so often ,
Give me feedback about what I write .
One of them being my wife .
So there you go , or you could also say , so there I am ,
And when will will I stop my less than interesting expose
If that is what I am doing right now
My muse is asking ?
Isn’t there always more of anything you thought you have put to bed ?
I ask in reply .
‘ In the garden of my Lord ,’ there is life still to be lived ,
And life experiences and observations to be pondered with some degree of
Self circumspection .
Peter Armstrong
